


Romantification

by Lillith_Tempest



Category: The Thrilling Adventure Hour
Genre: Other, So business as usual, Sparks and Croach are dumb and Red has to deal with them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-02
Updated: 2014-12-02
Packaged: 2018-02-27 20:13:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2705111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lillith_Tempest/pseuds/Lillith_Tempest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Science Aliens have returned to Mars, and their current experiment has an interesting effect on Sparks and Croach.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Romantification

“You know what? Whatever. I’ll file the incident reports from now on.” “I am under great onus to you for that, Sparks Nevada.”

“Whatever. Can you make some coffee?”

“Sparks Nevada. I am not—“ But the rest of Croach’s comment was cut off by the Marshal Station Doors’s opening announcement.

“Hey Red. What’s up? Haven’t seen you in a while.” Sparks looked over to the doors, grateful for the clear end of the paperwork argument.

“We can catch up later, Nevada. I ain’t come to talk to you for fun.”

“The Red Plains Rider, have you come to speak about your emotional attachments?”

“Croach, what part of I ain’t come to talk to you for fun did you not understand?” Red was taken aback. She had no desire to go through this again. She had chosen between Sparks and Croach more than enough times for one lifetime. Anyway, neither of them seemed willing to leave town, and she was definitely not willing to stop riding the Red Plains.

“Every time you return to speak to Sparks Nevada and I, the subject of your emotional attachments is always paramount to the conversation. I was merely attempting to avoid small talk as a precursor to the topic of your emotional attachments.”

“Well, this time I ain’t come for that. The town’s in trouble. And I came to find out if the two of you wanted to help me stop it, but if’n you aren’t in the mood to stop your paperwork, I’ll go stop it on my own.” She had actually been hoping for company. She knew she could go and handle this spot of trouble on her own easily, but figured it might be nice to have her friends with her this time.

“Nah, we’re done. It’s good.” Sparks glanced at his paperwork, then walked over to the corner shelf and started putting his robot fists on. “Catch us up, Red.”

“The science aliens are back. They’re takin’ some samples out west of town. I dunno what they wanna do with it, but I figure it probably ain’t good.”

“Yeah, they definitely need a permit to do any science here, since last time they did they tried to turn Mars into a weapon of mass destruction. I sure didn’t grant them one. Did you, Croach?” Sparks asked as the group walked out of the Marshal Station.

“I did not, Sparks Nevada.”

“Well, then, that’s that.”

 

 

 

They rode out to the west edge of town, where the science beings had their experiment set up. Professor Genius was collecting and labelling dirt samples and Adjunct Professor Genius was standing beside him holding a science gun, apparently keeping watch. Professor Genius was proclaiming as the group approached, “hypothesis: the soil from Mars will prove to be rich in nutrients and the beings from the SK system will be able to use the soil to grow toxic plants to continue our war with the technology beings!”

“Additional hypothesis: the romantification ray will be effective at keeping away any beings who wish to interrupt our science.” Adjunct professor Genius agreed, then looked over and noticed Sparks, Croach, and Red. “Alarm! The Marshal of Mars has been made aware of our science! He is approaching and intends to stop our experiment!”

Sparks walked over to the science beings, and addressed Professor Genius. “Howdy. Is this the kinda science ya’ll have a permit for?”

“Objection: we were not aware that we needed a permit to simply collect samples!” Professor Genius answered.

“Yeah, well, get one or get off planet. I’m still mad over the time ya’ll tried to use Mars as a weapon. So I reckon you better take your science somewhere else.”

“Opposing idea! I will shoot your Martian companion with the romantification ray!” shouted Adjunct Professor Genius. Sparks reached for his laser pistol, but Adjunct Professor Genius already had the science gun aimed and shot Croach off his feet.

“Sparks Nevada. I am feeling a strange emotion. Granted, it is strange that I am feeling an emotion at all.” Croach said from his new position on the ground. “But this emotion in particular feels like what you would designate as ‘strange.’”

“Yeah, ok. You just stay there, Croach. Adjunct Professor Genius, what kind of science gun is that?”

“It is not a gun! It is the romantification ray! I will write a paper on the effects of the romantification ray on Martians, and it will be groundbreaking! Professor Genius, will you take a blood sample from the Martian?”

Croach was still lying on the ground, gazing up at the sky. He didn’t look like he was in any position to stop anyone from taking samples of his blood. Red was kneeling by Croach, saying something about Nanotech, and it sounded like Croach was babbling something about Red’s hair.

“Yeah, No. You ain’t got permission to take samples from Mars, and you definitely ain’t got permission to take samples from Croach. You’re gonna shoot him back to normal and then get off planet.”

“Amused correction! Shooting the Martian a second time will not reverse the affects of the romantification ray!”

“What? Ain’t that usually how science guns work?”

“You are thinking of physics science guns! This is a biology science gun! The effects of this gun can only be changed with in an organism’s internal biology!”

“Then you’re under arrest for shootin’ Croach.” Sparks took a step toward Adjunct Professor Genius to cuff him, but Adjunct Professor Genius still had the science gun drawn, and fired it at Sparks.

Sparks fell down next to Croach. The sound of the science gun had attracted Red’s attention. She drew her own weapon and shot the romantification ray out of Adjunct Professor Genius’s hand, leaving it a smoking pile of ash.

“I reckon I could shoot the both of you before either of you can draw any other kind of weapon. I recommend you both get yourselves outta here.”

The science beings wasted no time in packing up their samples and flying away. Red turned to her friends who were still lying on the ground.

“All right, you two, lets get ya’ll back to the Marshal Station”

“No, the Red Plains Rider, I do not desire to return to the Marshal Station. My blood sugar levels are reaching a low point. Let us consume dinner.” Sparks mumbled his agreement.

“Croach, you just got shot by a science gun. You too, Nevada. We’ve gotta get someone to look at you.”

“Red, I feel fine. Croach, do you feel fine?”

“According to 100% of my senses, I feel what we call in my tribe m’arvel’ous.”

“Right, what he said. Marvelous.”

“You butcher my tongue, Sparks Nevada.”

“Oh, I’d butcher your tongue, Croach.” Sparks shot back, and then looked utterly shocked.

“What?” said Red, cackling at Sparks’s expression.

“I do not understand,” agreed Croach “I have two tongues. If you are referring to the act of mouth kissing, the correct phrase would be ‘I would butcher your tongues.’”

“Forget it. I’m goin’ to the Saloon. I need a drink.” Sparks’s face had changed from shocked to embarrassed and determined.

“You just got shot.”

“Yeah. I need a drink.”

The three walked back toward the saloon, and made it there without any more accidents or embarrassing moments. Red did notice that Croach had started to sway a little, as if he was drunk, and kept brushing up against Sparks. And Sparks and Croach kept staring back and forth at each other. She could barely keep from laughing out loud. She also kept catching them staring at her, and they would immediately look away and hide their faces like 8 year olds when that happened.

“Howdy, you three. You all don’t mean to cause any trouble, do ya?” Barkeep called out when they walked through the Saloon doors.

Sparks and Croach tried to walk over toward a booth, but Red grabbed both of them and walked them over toward their usual spot at the end of the bar. “Nope, we don’t. Just saved you a spot of it, in fact.”

“Robots again?” asked Barkeep

“Science Aliens.”

“They’re back?”

“Not anymore,” Red replied. “They were here for samples or somethin’. They shot Croach and Sparks with some science gun, though.”

“Damn science guns, always causin trouble. What’s this one supposed to do?”

“It’s called the romantification ray. It don’t seem to be doin anything too weird to either of them. But the Science Alien said somethin’ weird about the effects. I’d be a bit worried about them if they showed up.”

“Did you just say it didn’t have any effect, Red?”

Barkeep was looking pointedly to Red’s right. She looked over and nearly jumped out of her seat. Sparks and Croach were leaning in towards each other, whispering about something.

“You know I don’t want no trouble in my place, Red, but I’m also not a fan of public displays of affection.”

“Gotcha, barkeep. Ok, you two. We’re going back to the Marshal Station.” She got up, once again grabbed her boys and walked out the door.

“You are just two love bugs today, ain’t ya?” she teased.

“No! We ain’t love bugs.” Sparks claimed. “I am acting totally normal”

Red answered “You know, you kinda are. Except usually your flirtin’ with Croach is subtler. And you act more like an eight year old.”

“I am not flirtin’, Red.”

“Sparks Nevada, my senses detect that we are indeed engaging in the human behavior designated ‘flirting’. However, my senses also indicate that this is the first time.” Croach offered helpfully.

“Croach, I’m totally not flirting with you,” Sparks shouted. “Anyway, Red, your hair looks real pretty.”

“I thought I could sense human pheromones, but I must have been mistaken. Sparks Nevada is correct about your hair, The Red Plains Rider. Also, your scent is pleasing to all of my olfactory senses.”

“Red, you’re the coolest. You can kick everyone’s asses so well, you’re the best.”

“Shut it, you two.” Red stepped ahead of the two love drunk boys and stormed ahead in silence, staying close enough to Sparks and Croach to eavesdrop on their conversation.

“Sparks Nevada, I am now 100% certain that I detect human pheromones. Is it possible the science ray caused us to enact flirting?”

“You know, maybe? That makes sense. They called it the romantification ray. I would never have—“ Sparks lost the rest of his sentence to his thoughts.

“Would never have enacted flirting with a male?” Croach offered.

“Nah, I’ve done that before. Not for a while, but still. Just, not with you.”

There was a silence, before Croach said, very quietly, “Oh.”

And then Sparks answered almost immediately, “Wait! Not like that! I didn’t mean it like that! I meant I never would have flirted with my best, um, with someone I like so much unless somethin’ else made me.”

“Oh. Because of your emotional unavailability.”

“I reckon so. And it’s confusin’ because I still like Red too.”

“I also have romantic feelings toward both you and the Red Plains Rider.” Croach stated, matter-of-factly. Red could hear Sparks exhale with relief. She didn’t want any part of this tangled up mess, so she rushed ahead, and the boys continued to dawdle and talk.

 

 

 

Red made it back to the Marshal Station in time to sit and hide out from Sparks and Croach for a little bit. But right before she was about to leave and go back to the Plains, the doors opened and in walked Sparks and Croach, holding hands. Well, if that’s the way it was going to go, she figured she better get out sooner rather than later. She’d spent a lot of time as the third wheel when she was a teenager, and didn’t want to go through that again. She figured she’d come back when real trouble sprung up, but other than that, she could keep to herself. She started out the door.

Croach stepped in front of her. “The Red Plains Rider. You and Sparks Nevada are equally the best humans I have ever met. I propose that the three of us enter into reciprocated onus together. Sparks Nevada agrees with me.”

That one caught Red off guard. “What?”

“I would like to enter into reciprocated onus with you and Sparks Nevada. I believe it would be a fulfilling relationship.”  
Sparks spoke up “Red, you’re always choosin’ between us. We were just thinkin’ that it doesn’t have to be that way. The three of us could all be together. You and Croach could move in with me, and we’ll just do that much better of a job fighting outlaw wrongs. You can be a deputy, and we can find someone else to watch the Red Plains.”

“Excuse me? Who told either of you morons that I wanted to choose either one of you, let alone both?”

“Oh. I guess I thought wrong.” Sparks looked like someone had just insulted his robot fists.

“I also must have misinterpreted the signals I observed with the majority of my senses. I apologize for the mistake.” Red hadn’t seen Croach look this dejected since he was 5 and another Martian kid had insulted Rebecca Rose Rushmore’s work.

And the more Red looked at them, the more she thought maybe the three of them could work something out. No, she wasn’t going to stay in the town all the time, she loved the Red Plains too much for that. But having somewhere to come back to any time--

And then Red remembered. “Ya’ll are both just sayin’ this stuff because of that crazy science gun. We gotta find someone who can fix it.”

Sparks objected, “No no, Red. It’s fine. This is all stuff we’ve both been feelin’ for a long time. The science gun just made us, you know—“

“Emotionally available?”

“Yeah. That. I guess. Although I’d like to not feel so dizzy anymore, so maybe later we should get it checked out.”

“Sooner, Nevada.” Red tried to push past Croach again, still unwilling to get caught up in this mess if Sparks and Croach were going to go back to normal soon.

“The Red Plains Rider. I do not typically feel emotions strongly. I feel romantic attraction as a component in my decision-making. For quite some time now, I have felt strong romantic attraction towards both you and Sparks Nevada. I have felt that any choices I would make that would take me away from either of you are illogical.” Croach reached out and touched Red’s cheek with the hand that wasn’t still holding Sparks’s. “I would not have had the bravery to make you aware of these feelings without being shot by the science ray, but I have always been aware of them.”

Red reached over and touched Sparks’s shoulder, and grabbed Croach’s hand. “We’ll work somethin out,” she said with a smile, “but I’m gonna come and go as I please, all right?”

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first time I've done any fanfic. If I did something totally dumb, please let me know?


End file.
